a late April personal update

“Suppose I accidentally got my shit together
Would I get a medal?
Or a pat on the back and a little feather
I could stick in my cap or pin it to my shirt
Go out in the yard and poke it in the dirt”
-mc 900 foot Jesus

In the last few months I have finally been able to see myself out of a particularly dark period into something that’s starting to resemble a relatively normal life. I think I’m finally putting the pieces back together of a broken person. It took me a long time but until the next crisis hits, things are looking up…

i’ve finally managed to exercise another personal demon I’ve been quietly fighting for a while now without success. It was hard, just as hard as smoking, but i’m declaring victory and i’m finally emerging on the other side and managing to get my stuff together. Must be something about the month of April for kicking dangerous shit.

“It’s not about a salary
It’s all about reality”

A key factor in pulling myself out of the hole was my job. Its finally allowing me to focus on other things besides worrying about money and paying bills. Tho its stressful in other ways, they at least take care of us financially which greatly increases my options and severely cuts back on the stuff I worry about

Joey likes to talk about a swinging pendulum: i seem to be on the backswing after a veeeery long shitty period and I’m thankful for that. I always dread that swing back to the shitty tho.

Work has been interesting. We’ve been pretty busy for a while now and getting used to doing something someone else way always takes some getting used to. A lot of getting accustomed to the job was unlearning a lot of bad habits i got into as a phone support rep. Im starting to get my groove back tho.

“We in that sunshine state where that bomb ass hemp be
The state where ya never find a dance floor empty”

I happen to be sitting here at the park right now, it’s another beautiful spring day in California. Logan park is full of people having parties, barbecuing, lounging under trees reading and it strikes me again how lucky I am to be where I am.

And I mean in the grand scheme of things: I’ve said before I consider myself to have won of the cosmic lottery: I’m a white American living in relative good health in a California suburban early part of the 21st-century. it’s hard to start off in life on better footing. My family and I have never been rich but we’ve never wanted for food or shelter. We’ve never lived in the nicest homes but we’ve never lived in squalor. And while we have known some tragedy for the most part I was raised fairly happy and didn’t develop my depression issues till my late 20’s so taken as a whole, that’s a pretty good foundation to try to do good things.

…and that’s where I find myself now: with a good foundation but nothing built on top. I’m probably not going to have the family of my own I imagined. I’m probably not going to ever be a household name. Shit, there’s a better than average chance I may very well live the rest of my life alone and with nothing to show for my time on this earth but for the first time in a long time I’m starting to consider a future that I couldn’t imagine before: one with me in it.

-april 2016